Transcript
00:01 - Speaker 1
It's John Tesh, and welcome to the John Tesh podcast featuring Gib Gerard. Great stuff to share with you in this episode, including why experts say we should never trust anybody. After lunch, you'll also find out what we can learn from the study on farm pigs about how to stay happy and optimistic, and we're going to answer the question why is it that more couples than ever before in the history of the planet, whether they're married or not are going to couples therapy right now? That's all coming up. So Gib has gone swimming with the sharks. We know this. He and his wife did that. A lot of tropical resorts offer an experience of swimming with dolphins.
00:38 - Speaker 2
We've done that as a family.
00:39 - Speaker 1
That's amazing. But now there's a new swimming adventure. Of course, it's called snorkeling with salmon.
00:48 - Speaker 2
It sounds like a bad documentary.
00:51 - Speaker 1
I want to do this, but probably for all the wrong reasons. But, anyway, so it's offered in places where salmon swim and spawn.
00:57 - Speaker 2
Great idea. Great idea for that. Like Northern California, oregon, it's offered in places where salmon are. That's the shorthand.
01:05 - Speaker 1
Yeah, some of these stories are so the waters off of Campbell River in BC. There are roughly 800,000 salmon that migrate through the waters. That's crazy People can do a diving trip where they put on a wetsuit and they swim with 800,000 fish. So this is my favorite part of this. This is my favorite. Give us a little of this. Okay, ready, I'm going to quote. Yes, you may see bears and other predators too. That's the latest swim experience snorkeling with salmon.
01:33 - Speaker 2
This is my issue. This is my issue because when I'm swimming with sharks which I have done one you kind of know the species. I had reef sharks, which are not going to hurt me, Only like three species of sharks, are actually going to be a threat to you.
01:44 - Speaker 1
Bull sharks, tiger sharks and great white Okay.
01:47 - Speaker 2
And occasionally oceanic white tips, but that's only if you're in a shipwreck Point being. Any shark can hurt you, but those are the really the only ones you have to worry about. The rest are just. They're interesting to observe and it's fun to swim with them. In swimming with them, they are the predator. That's the only thing you have to worry about when you're on the reef, because all the other fish are worried about the shark. So if you see the shark and you know where that is, you're not. You don't have to worry about anything else getting you. The eels are going to stay away, that's all. Everything's going to stay away, thank God, when you're swimming with the salmon, which the joy is to swim with these amazing silvery fish that move through the water so amazingly. These things are huge, they're massive.
02:27 - Speaker 1
I mean they're huge and they jump out of the water.
02:29 - Speaker 2
Right, so you're focused on them. But what about the salmon sharks and the bears that you've mentioned? Some of those bears can swim. You're in the middle of their prey, so I will swim with sharks. I don't go swimming with seals for this exact reason.
02:46
I'm not swimming with the seals because then I look like a seal. I'm not swimming with the salmon because I don't want to grisly, to just yank me out of the water and then toss me like a rag doll onto the shore. So that's why I won't do. All good reasons. All good reasons, but you know I love salmon.
03:01 - Speaker 1
Right, I'm going to be able to eat it, yeah.
03:04 - Speaker 2
And I just my my images.
03:05 - Speaker 1
They're going to know my, my images just because they're going to flim it up, they're swimming upstream and my idea is that I would just I'd sit there with like a knife and fork, yeah Right, and they'd swim toward me and I just jam one, just get one.
03:16 - Speaker 2
Have you seen bears? You were describing what bears do.
03:18 - Speaker 1
Well, wait until the bears, cause I know the bears eat, they eat and they eat and you just stand there, wait for the bear to go Right and then you take the bear spot like a line like all right, buddy, that's enough.
03:27 - Speaker 2
Like you're at a really nice buffet, all right, the sea buffet. All right, you've. You know you've one portion and then let somebody else have a turn. Anyway, this is available to you If you're snorkeling with salmon.
03:36 - Speaker 1
We're just right. It's just our job to set the table for you. You decide what you want to do. I will. I mean, it's just a big resort, Campbell River in British Columbia and also you know.
03:47 - Speaker 2
California. Hopefully they reach out to us and, like you should try this. We'll we'll, you know, come, come, visit us.
03:52 - Speaker 1
Exactly. It's like swimming with the salmon with a shotgun. I don't even think that would take care of the bear.
03:58 - Speaker 2
I know you need an actual like bear gun.
04:01 - Speaker 1
I love. I love all the latest relationship in Intel. And you know, back in the day, my mom and dad right. So I grew up on Long Island there's a lot of people know and I was born in 1952. And if my parents had a, there was no therapy session. If you had a problem you went to-.
04:23 - Speaker 2
You drank about it, thank you.
04:25 - Speaker 1
You did. You drank about it and I saw some of that. I may have seen some of that in my family Also. If you had a problem, they just put you in the mental institution, right?
04:34 - Speaker 2
That was it, and then you had-.
04:36 - Speaker 1
They put a couple of electrodes on either side of your head. Nurse ratchet would take out your brain Very much so yeah, very much so like that, and they only had like one or two drugs.
04:46 - Speaker 2
And they were powerful.
04:47 - Speaker 1
Yeah, I have no experience with that, but when my parents the reason I'm bringing this up is that how I could tell when I came home from school or from sports whatever how I could tell that my parents were having a couple's problem was that my dad would be on the lawn watering along with. Like a vengeance, like a full blast.
05:06 - Speaker 2
The same patch of grass for 35 minutes With a fire hose.
05:10 - Speaker 1
Like you're watering the grass, and then my mom would be inside cooking fried chicken with two aprons on. You know like I'm cooking chicken and I thought what the heck is going on. Nobody ever told me what was going on, which is why I'm weird today. You know I'm codependent, so anyway-.
05:25 - Speaker 2
You ate well and you could, you know, had a nice lawn.
05:27 - Speaker 1
We had the best lawn that one patch. I mean you could high jump on that lawn your parents had a good marriage.
05:34 - Speaker 2
year of marriage, All the grass died and you lost 10 pounds.
05:39 - Speaker 1
That's so true, yeah, so anyway, today everybody's going to therapy, apparently. So this is according to a recent survey of engaged, married and divorced people, over 50% of millennials have undergone couples counseling. That's a big number, it's huge. One in four went before they were even engaged. So why is this happening? Dr Megan Fleming is a relationship therapist. We've had her on the show before. She says today's couples expect a lot more from their partners. They want respect, stability, friendship, equal partnership, financial security, romance, mac and cheese I don't know what all rolled into one.
06:13 - Speaker 2
Yeah, you make it sound like this is a huge, huge ask, but it's what we should do.
06:19 - Speaker 1
No, I understand, but they don't want to work on anything. I shouldn't say that. Of course they want to work on it. That's what they're doing. Younger couples are willing to put in the work to get it right, quote unquote. They want to tackle issues before the risk the health of the relationship. So, because mental health and therapy are much more widely discussed today, they feel no shame in saying in fact, on people's dating apps now on people's profiles, I've been to therapy for two years.
06:42 - Speaker 2
Look, everybody has some kind of mental baggage, and pretending that you don't is not the stoic, lone wolf appealing thing that we think of it as it's not. That Everybody has something that they have to process, and having a context to process it is just a good thing. If you don't, you bottle it up and it comes out in other personality disorders. So don't do that to yourself. Go ahead and get yourself some help from somebody who's a professional and knows what they're doing. And if you're in a relationship, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
07:13
Because if there is something that annoys you and you haven't unpacked, the fact that it comes from your family of origin. So maybe the way your partner loads the dishwasher really irritates you. I understand that it irritates you, but it shouldn't irritate you in the way that it does. And that's just letting you know, because in your family where you grew up, the way the dishwasher was loaded I'm picking something innocuous on purpose here the way the dishwasher was loaded was a symbol of how much attention was being paid to X, Y or Z. And maybe in your husband's family of origin that was not the case. They did not care so much about how the dishwasher was loaded, and now it's an argument that's breeding resentment in your relationship.
07:48
Well, you need to nip that in the bud, because maybe your partner has no idea how important dishwasher loading is to you. Maybe clutter on the countertop doesn't matter to your partner, but it really matters to you. As a result, you're building resentment. Nip that in the bud. Have the conversation early. Have the conversation with a trained profession who can help you unpack what the real reasoning behind your anger is, or your resentment is, and go from there.
08:11 - Speaker 1
That's the value of this, yeah, and the bottom line of this whole thing is that if you find your partner is watering the lawn with a fire hose, then get yourself into therapy. You don't want those electrodes on the head.
08:22 - Speaker 2
No, you don't want. Nobody wants electrodes on the head, unless you're getting the new neural link from Elon Musk, from.
08:28 - Speaker 1
Elon. Hey, let's take a moment here and talk about rich people. They have some bad habits apparently. Okay so, according to the journal social influence, if you've ever been in need of help from strangers, do not go to Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue.
08:44
Oh yeah, rodeo Drive. Of course. Being in Los Angeles, we know where Fifth Avenue is. Because, according to the journal social influence, when people are near fancy shops, they're meaner. In fact, the title of a study was wrong place to get help. The researchers from Sorbonne University Conducted experiments and luxury shopping districts and found that passers-by were less likely to help a stranger in need than those on an average ordinary street, because people are influenced by what's around them and it turns out luxury shops makes us Makes make us feel materialistic, whether we're buying anything or not. They give us an increased self-worth and they make us feel more competitive. I've seen this with what I've seen the study, with people in fancy cars like McLaren's or any other stuff.
09:23
They're more likely to hit people in a get a crosswalk.
09:26 - Speaker 2
I mean the 100%. They're more likely to hit people in a crosswalk, they're more likely to cut you off, they're more likely to take your parking space or take longer in the parking space. This is a version of entitlement and literally, this is the message of the parable of the Good Samaritan. You know, the first part of that whole parable is the conversation about these people who are, you know, supposed to be the pillars of society, who are sub, who are these positions of honor not willing to lower themselves to help the person in In the dish who's been beaten? I, it's entitlement, I mean, you it's. You expect. I have experienced this. You are far less likely to have a quiet, easy Conversation with somebody and get it and get a smile from a stranger in these locations.
10:07 - Speaker 1
Yeah.
10:08 - Speaker 2
Yeah, you will get good pinkberry though, which is that frozen yogurt.
10:11 - Speaker 1
That was your place, boozy. In one experiment, only 23% of luxury shoppers were willing to help a disabled woman Whose friend had to run into a shop, while three times as many people on an ordinary street. We're willing to help, so this is a real thing.
10:25 - Speaker 2
Yeah, we now have. We now have the empirical evidence to back up what we have known in story for so long coming up, the amazing things we can learn from the average farm pig. Eating habits.
10:42 - Speaker 1
Actually it's actually Organizationalist. I mean, it's crazy, anyway, plus why we should never trust anybody after lunch. That's, those are coming up, plus some more stuff on the podcast. But first this when you have a moment, please visit test comm. This is where you can get access to my music and live concerts and also find out about my new online piano course, the John Tesh piano method. Plus you can join me for my weekly VIP coaching, the John Tesh VIP coaching program. It's an opportunity for you to get personal coaching from me in a small group environment. You get strategies, plus encouragement and accountability, plus live weekly zoom calls everything you need to create the next chapter in your life. It's all waiting for you at test comm, alright Gibbs. So here is a headline for you Never trust anybody after lunch. I never do.
11:33
This is a study. I don't trust myself. After lunch. I've got to go take a nap. A study in the journal Psychological Science found that people tend to be a lot more honest in the morning. In a series of experiments, people were asked to solve math problems, some of which were impossible, either in the morning or afternoon. We're told they'd be paid for every correct answer. They were then asked to self-report their scores Interesting. So every subject who answered math problems in the afternoon were up to 50% more likely to cheat than people who took the math test in the morning. This is crazy.
12:01
The expert say it's because our self-control is stronger in the morning, because our energy is higher, but as our batteries drain from our everyday activities we become less ethical. Another factor is sleep. The more tired we are, the less moral we are. So, whether you're trying to manage your own temptations or you're a parent, a teacher or a manager, know that we're all more honest in the morning. Wasn't there a thing about judges?
12:22 - Speaker 2
Yeah, so then it was either in Freakonomics or in one of the Malcolm Gladwell books, where I was talking about how judges in the afternoon, if they were hungry before lunch, they made worse decisions, and if they were tired after lunch, they made worse decisions.
12:36 - Speaker 1
It was like a window like this or you're going back to prison.
12:39 - Speaker 2
So exactly so. These were parole judges that were or incendencing judges, and you would get much worse sentences or you'd be much more likely to go back to jail if you got them based solely on the time that you went in. And that is an insane statistic, and here's more evidence that backs it up. We've talked about this with doctors, too, where when you get the surgery matters for how focused they are, and the reality is we don't. First of all, particularly in the US we don't take enough breaks, we don't take a lot of vacations, we work longer hours and we don't really value those unplugged moments where you just take a second and reset your brain. And this is what. In my opinion, this is one of the consequences of it. We are better off when we have a little bit of energy. We don't value sleep appropriately, and more and more of the research we talk about shows that we need to treat sleep just like getting 10,000 steps a day or getting enough protein or fiber in your diet.
13:38
We need to treat sleep like that for our brain and for our overall health, and this is just another study that underscores it, which is when we are refreshed in the morning, when we have our high energy, we're better people, and the more time that we take for ourselves, I bet you if you took a siesta- in the afternoon. You would see that people are just as moral afterwards.
14:02 - Speaker 1
But we have to run the study.
14:03 - Speaker 2
in Spain, everybody's so busy that the judge isn't going to be taking a nap before he passes the judge hey, look, get your surgery in the morning, get your parole hearing in the morning. You got to do it.
14:14 - Speaker 1
Can you imagine you're in jail for something and you're up for parole. They give you like 3 pm and you're like hey, can we do this?
14:19 - Speaker 2
No thanks, skip me today, I'll go tomorrow.
14:22 - Speaker 1
First thing I'm risk being stabbed in the cell rather than going out to see the judge, I'll just sleep right here on the floor.
14:27 - Speaker 2
I'm fine, just don't worry about me.
14:29 - Speaker 1
Okay, as promised, here we go with what we can all learn from the average farm pig. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, when I was a kid I was born on Long Island, I'm the only Yankee in my family and said my parents both grew up in rural North Carolina on farms, working farms. My parents would dump me off every summer when I was, like you know your son's age, like six, seven years old. I would work the farm for like three months, two months.
14:57 - Speaker 2
What a nice vacation for your parents, by the way For them, yeah it was great.
15:02 - Speaker 1
For me it was like there was no electricity. You went to sleep when the sun went down, woke up with the sunrise and my job was to feed the chickens and to slap the hogs and to shoot shotguns at the crows who were trying to eat the watermelons.
15:18 - Speaker 2
That was my job, that's fun.
15:20 - Speaker 1
Six years old, I've got like seven weapons and I was driving a car.
15:24 - Speaker 2
But look, you're still talking about it to this day.
15:26 - Speaker 1
It seemed hard at the time All the other six-year-olds were smoking cigarettes, but I couldn't get ahold of any.
15:30 - Speaker 2
Yeah, no, because you were too busy with chores.
15:32 - Speaker 1
The reason I bring this up is that when I was dealing with the pigs and the chickens especially the pigs I never thought that, wow, I can really take some. This is better than reading the book Atomic Habits.
15:46
I really I'm watching what the pigs are doing. I'm thinking now this is going to be my template for the rest of my life. However, dr David Agus, a professor of medicine at USC, famous guy who wrote the book the book of animal secrets, says that you can learn a lot from the average farm pig, because they follow a routine that keeps them happy and optimistic. I never saw an optimistic pig, but let's go on. He says that new research into animal personalities has shown that pigs have a lot in common with humans, including their capacity to play and socialize and experience emotions, and when it comes to mood quote a pig's happiness is often linked to following consistent routines and having a consistent environment, and pigs that were found to be more neurotic.
16:31
And millions of dollars on these studies.
16:33 - Speaker 2
I just imagined a pig sitting on like an analyst couch. You know, nobody really likes me, you don't?
16:38 - Speaker 1
want a neurotic pig. They're pretty dangerous. They're most likely to behave erratically. They had no routines and they had a changing environment.
16:44 - Speaker 2
The guy at Starbucks messed up my order. I think it was on purpose.
16:49 - Speaker 1
So he says. Dr Iggis says he's learned that pigs and humans, they want to have a routine so they can be in control.
16:58 - Speaker 2
Yeah, so the pigs thing cool. I'm glad we know that about the pigs. I think it's all life forms, I think all of us, we like our routines, we like to have the thing the expected show up and the expected it makes us more able to handle the unexpected if we have the expected available to us. So for us what that means obviously doesn't mean that you need to have your breakfast in a trough at the same time every morning.
17:26
That's not a bad idea, or that you need to have the same wet spot in your yard that you roll around in to cool off every afternoon. But it does mean that the more things that we put on autopilot, the more things that we add to our routine. I go to the gym at this time every day. I eat at this time every day. I wake up at this time every day. Yes, Saturday and Sunday too, you start to add those things into your life. Everything starts to peel away and become a lot easier because you're using less mental energy to get yourself to the gym, to get yourself out of bed Using less mental energy to figure out when to
17:58
eat or what to eat. When you start to do that, it frees up your brain to deal with the unexpected, the email asking for something. Immediately the call from the school is saying your kid is sick and you need to pick them up. Your routines actually help you adapt to those situations better and with a better understanding of where the important things to deal with are. Because when you have no routine, everything is a significant brain attention grabber. Everything requires a certain amount of mental energy that you may or may not have. So when something new comes along, you don't have a way of discerning. Is the call from the school more important or is going and getting to the gym more important because you're out of routine?
18:36 - Speaker 1
This is great what you just said. We probably didn't need the whole pig thing. Then Just go with your.
18:41 - Speaker 2
I mean the pig's, just to give us another example.
18:43 - Speaker 1
But I have to tell you, as you were talking about all this, I'm thinking you know when I would wake up in the morning and I had to go slop the hogs, the moment I walked out of the house all the pigs would come and surround me, which is a little creepy when you're only like four feet tall, but it happened at the same time every day. And then they would. They would go roll around and they'd cool off at the same.
19:03
So yeah, they did have routines. I mean, I don't think they had one of those, I don't think they had a day planner, but it was in their head.
19:09 - Speaker 2
I mean, I think a lot of those pigs had read Atomic Habits. I think, to your point, the pig version of Atomic Habits came out a couple centuries ago, so they were very, very interested.
19:18 - Speaker 1
What we can learn from the routines of pigs. Again, Dr David Agus' book is the book of animal secrets. I'm sure there's many more in there that we can talk about.
19:26 - Speaker 2
Wizard of Oz made it seem like pigs are really dangerous, because remember when Dorothy falls in the pig pen and they help the animals pull it out. Yeah, it was crazy.
19:34 - Speaker 1
Let's do random facts here I love it. Get your opinion on this. Fact number one 19 to 20% of people say they have faked a phone conversation to avoid having to talk to someone face to face.
19:45 - Speaker 2
I hope nobody that I know is going to see this You've done this 100%. I do this all the time.
19:53 - Speaker 1
I do this all the time. I wouldn't be able to pull it off. Absolutely Something would happen to me. You have something? Hold on a second.
19:59 - Speaker 2
Oh, shoot, um, I, uh, you guys keep going, I, I. It's great seeing you.
20:05 - Speaker 1
See, you're, you're an actor. I mean you. You you've been in the. What is that thing with the improv?
20:10 - Speaker 2
Groundlings, groundlings. Yeah, what is that thing? I started. I was like Norm MacDonald. What is that? Yeah, yeah, okay.
20:16 - Speaker 1
Anyway, so yeah.
20:18 - Speaker 2
Um, I have. 20% is low, I think, what so?
20:21 - Speaker 1
I mean, what do you? So so okay, so you're, you're talking to somebody, but how do you do this? Okay.
20:27 - Speaker 2
So let's, let's say you're at the grocery store and you see somebody, and maybe you've had the comp, you started talking to them. Oh, it's great.
20:34
Oh boyfriend or girlfriend Maybe, Maybe you've caught up with them, right and you. The catching up is over and now it's turning to something you don't want to talk about anymore. Oh gosh, oh, I'm so sorry. I have to take my kid's school and you step away and then you put the phone to your ear. I've also. I've also. I've also. There's even worse is if you see somebody you really don't want to talk to, like if I'm at the school and I'm there to pick my kids up, uh, I'll have the phone on and I and there's a, there's a mom or a dad that I don't want to see, I will have the phone at my ear, uh, already, and so I can just wave at them and be like sorry.
21:06 - Speaker 1
Oh my gosh, I just, I don't know. I just I think I would mess this up. I know I would. I know I would like be using the wrong side of the phone or something.
21:14 - Speaker 2
I have used apps that actually give the other side of the phone conversation and play it through and make the phone ring and everything before, in order to get out of these kinds of conversations.
21:23 - Speaker 1
All right. So now, since we're talking about, uh, about, etiquette, let's just do one more piece before we let these people go. New York magazine came up with a list of the new rules of conduct for society. So number one is they say you can cancel almost any evening plans up until 2pm. At 2pm there's still time for your friend to find another dinner. Companion Caviar is if something. Somebody's cooking for you. In that situation you must tell them a night before.
21:46 - Speaker 2
Right Cause they have to buy ingredients. They have to clean parts of their house that they never clean. If company's not coming over 24 hours, I noticed this is appropriate for that Uh 2pm. It makes sense. I want to let anybody know. If we have dinner plans and you don't want to go to dinner, you can let me know five minutes before and I will be absolutely fine with it.
22:06 - Speaker 1
You still want to go out.
22:08 - Speaker 2
There's nothing I like more than sitting at home in my living room with a night of cancel plans with a glass of wine in my hand a show streaming on my TV and a blanket on my lap Just saying oh my gosh. Next I'm the sleepy time T-Bear, that's me, hey uh, um, the next guy.
22:24 - Speaker 1
I was going to tell you a long story, but I'll do it next time. The next code of conduct is if somebody starts telling you a story you've heard before you have this is the etiquette department. Here you have two seconds to tell them. Simply interject with oh yeah, that was hilarious or unbelievable. However, if you don't say it within two seconds, you have to listen to them tell the whole story again.
22:44 - Speaker 2
Okay, so I understand that this is the etiquette, but there are certain storytellers where, where?
22:51 - Speaker 1
me, me, me, me me.
22:52 - Speaker 2
But you will. Also, you will take it if you are a minute into the story and I realize you've told it before, because sometimes it takes like a minute of you getting certain details out for me to realize, oh no, no, I do know this story Because I changed it.
23:04 - Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, that's the story.
23:06 - Speaker 2
It's just seven times bigger now. It was so I can stop you and you and you're doing more.
23:12 - Speaker 1
You were homeless. Now you were homeless.
23:14 - Speaker 2
We all everybody's read your book. We know that story Thank you. But no, but the. There are plenty of people where if, if you don't get them early on, they will finish a very long story. But there's also I have these people, not you who tell. Like my oldest daughter, she does not know how to edit, so if she will tell a story, that should be a should be a one minute story that takes 17 minutes to tell.
23:38
And, as a result, if I've heard it before, I'm gonna interrupt her and we're gonna switch, no matter what. The problem is that a lot of times, the people that you feel like you can interrupt, they will not hear the interruption.
23:48 - Speaker 1
They will finish the story anyway. They just plow right through them.
23:50 - Speaker 2
Yes, I have another friend where, even if he's already told me the story, if I don't get to him in those first two seconds and I tell him, oh no, no, I've heard this he goes, yeah, and then he still finishes the story, he still tells the whole story. He's like no, I've already, I've already heard this, and it's just you and me. The other thing I'll say is, even if you have heard the story and you're around other people, don't embarrass the person by telling them by telling everybody you've heard the story before Cause then that makes the person seem like they only have a couple of stories that they tell over and, over and over again.
24:17 - Speaker 1
My wife does this to me all the time. I'll be with a stranger and I'll start telling the story and she'll go. I've heard the story. You've been married to me for 32 years.
24:25 - Speaker 2
Of course you've heard the story. I know you've heard the story.
24:27 - Speaker 1
You were there. She's like don't tell it now while I'm here.
24:29 - Speaker 2
You were there, but she also, if she's heard the story already and we're talking and you start to retell the story, she leaves the room. Exactly, she just starts to peel off.
24:40 - Speaker 1
It's the same way with your daughter. When she's telling the rule, she makes up a game and she's telling the rules all 15 minutes and all the other 12 year olds are just peeling off it's Uno, it's not that hard. Hey, listen, we've had a good time with you guys today. Thanks for being with us and thanks so much for all the kind comments. Remember you can reach us directly by email. It's tesh.com. It's johnandteshcom For Gib Gerard, I'm John Tesh. We'll see you next time.